Sunday, May 08, 2011

You Know You're Too Pregnant When...

I know I'm too pregnant when...

1- I take off my shirt at the end of the day only to find that the bottom half is hideously stained, some of it from breakfast.

2- I found a box of cereal in the fridge and an opened bottle of BBQ sauce in the pantry.

3- I cannot account for one of the seventeen bruises all over my body.

4- I secretly daydream about breaking a leg or something minor just so I can spend a day in the hospital being waited on. Those people who are dying to check out early after labor? Who are you? (P.S. Don't take this one too seriously please. I am not pre-post-partum depression, at least that I know of. Is wishful hospital stays one of the red flags? Probably.)

5- My dreams are seriously ticking me off. Purses getting stolen... ruffians threatening me and Eleanor... my teeth breaking off so I look all hillbilly... obnoxious, tattooed, German, hippie couples who are also expecting coming to stay with me and not leaving... but worst of all, I dreamt that after delivering I looked down and thought "Hey! I'm not that flabby! I can deal with this!" and I was so excited that getting back in shape wouldn't be too bad. I woke up all happy, only to realize how "off" I was in my dream. Stupid sub-conscious! Can't you just let me dream of rainbows and cake or something?

6- My floor is littered with who-knows-what as barely anything is worth bending over to pick up. And let's just have a good laugh now at how little I plan on sweeping. (P.S. After writing this, I spilled an entire bowl of raw hamburger that I had just mixed up to make meatballs. Sadly, I scooped it all up and only said half a swear word. "Shiaaarrggg!" if you're curious. Hair cooks out, right?

7- Eleanor has eight new favorite movies... this week.

8- Clayton had a take-at-home final that averages about 7 hours, so Eleanor and I had a whole day out together. We went to the park, the duck pond, errands and a movie. My movie date with Eleanor involved spilling half our popcorn in an actual bathroom stall, only to have her start eating it off the floor (Shudder, shudder, shrug.). She was so happy. We then spent ten minutes watching previews with me thinking, "These seem a bit mature for the cartoon Rio..." before realizing that we were in the wrong theater, thus missing 15 minutes of our movie. The capper was then having Eleanor soak through her diaper so completely (while on my lap of course) that it looked like I wet my pants as well. Even the seat was soaked. Sorry NCG. Good times.

9- I'm trying not to cry constantly over little, dumb things -like losing half my popcorn on the bathroom floor. However, I think we can all agree that that one is a bit justified, but other examples would be not finding the right curry paste at the grocery store, not being able to find my shoe or having to wait in line at the mall. (But don't they know how tired I am?)

10- I found that taking a bath was waaaay too much work to just end up freezing and uncomfortable for half an hour.

11- I've told several people I would call them or text them something only to remember it four days later.

12- I have the energy to paint a desk but not walk up the stairs. What is that all about? (Except I haven't actually found the energy to paint the desk yet. But I bought the paint!) (And seriously, you will all be super-impressed with my latest projects. Just not my laundry pile.)

13- I need a nap after every meal. Yeah, don't tell my doctor. I'm pretty sure that means I'm not eating right.

14- Having a list that ends on 14 because half of the thousands of thoughts I had for this post are completely beyond my reach. I am useless lately. If it isn't on one of my thirty lists, I have no recollection of it. Here is a sweet picture to make this post worthwhile.

One month to go! My due date is June 10th if you are interested. I plan on delivering on June 1st for Jenni's birthday instead. Hope the baby is aware of my plans.


Shauna said...

I'm laughing so hard. Certainly all your discomfort has been worth it, just to entertain me. You are my personal Tina Fey.

Aubreydoll said...

Marianne, I love you. This post was awesome! I laughed, I shuddered, I shook my head, and then laughed some more. Only one month left and then it's onto all the post-pregnancy joys!

And for the record, there is nothing wrong with wantng to be waited on and knowing you have a magic button to push when you need more pain killers!

Jade said...

Oh my gosh I love you. Is it bad that I can relate to everything on this list and I am only 22 weeks. Except I really do think I have pre-post-pardom. Good luck this next month!

Tiff said...

You are too funny!! What a crack up. Hang in there!

LD said...

You just made my day. You make me laugh and I'm so glad that my kid isn't the only one who has new favorite movie(s) each week.

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