Monday, January 23, 2006

Overrated celebrities, my personal list. Volume 1

So this will be a list of celebrities that for one reason or another I can't stand. Not always good reasons, just my very personal and prejudiced reasons. I understand if you don't agree. Or if you have a soft spot in your heart for one of these people even if they are trashy or lame. I know, not a very Christian list. Oh well, judge me if you must. I just get tired of the world adoring certain people for all the wrong reasons, and I want to say why. And it is an incomplete list. So there might be later installments. Also, I say hate quite a bit. I probably mean disgust or exasperation. Now, without further ado, let the venom roll.

1. Kimberly Stewart I hated her before she called Jennifer Aniston homely. I hated her before her publicity stunt of an eleven day engagement. I have disliked her before I knew she was a Paris Hilton cronie. I have been annoyed with her because she is a very ugly girl who is always touted as a model. I'm sorry, but she is heinous. Enough with the ridiculous Dorothy Hamill bangs and overly done eye-makeup! SHE IS UGLY! Yes, she is tall, thin, blonde and rich. That does not make her a pretty. It definitely does not make her a model. Nor does walking a charity run-way or two because of her father's name. Calling Jennifer Aniston homely? When she is a terrier? No. Uh uh. She is ridiculous. Go spend your inheritance or find a real job. Just stay out of US Weekly. She is not famous for anything she has ever done on her own. Obviously she realizes this, and it's why she got engaged for eleven days. At least it was something she did.

1a. Rod Stewart You are not Frank Sinatra. You sound like someone made you drink Draino. Your voice is not soothing, no one thinks you're sexy, you are a dirty old man dating a woman your daughter's age, and you are British! So stop singing American classics like we were all dying for an "ultimate" version. You suck.

2. Tyra Banks Tyra thinks she is the heir apparent to Oprah. And for some reason Oprah adores her. Because she's "real". She will say she was an awkward skinny kid. She will say the other models hate her and make fun of her because she is black. (Horrible-horrible racist models! They are so intolerant!) But she just keeps on keeping it real. Bless her. Ok. She is beyond ridiculous. Her talk show is a joke. I realize she doesn't write it all herself, but she acts as if everything that comes out of her mouth is akin to God's spoken truth. "Girl, you need to believe in yourself!" What?!?! Really Tyra?? But how?! Teach me! Show me the way!!! "My breasts are real!" Now I can sleep at night!!!So, I must admit, I love America's Top Model. It is catty and fast paced and about fashion. (In it's own way) However, I can not stand the judging time. If any of the girls (all novices) do something less than stellar, Tyra takes it upon herself to show them how a PRO (herself) would do it. It's like when Alex Trebek slips up and acts superior when giving the right answer after a contestant's wrong one. Wow, real tough stuff with those answer cards right there. Anyhow. Tyra is trying so hard in every moment that it shows. Pompous windbag might apply here.

3. Paris Hilton By the way, these are in no particular order, otherwise she might be first. I can't even waste the time to catalog her faults. So I will just say that she is my litmus test for any man I date. If he finds her attractive in any way, he's out. Way way out.

4. Angelina Jolie Earth mother. Let's all just take a minute and applaud this humanitarian. What a wonder. What a magical and enlightened soul she must have. Think of all she's accomplished. The lives she's lived in her short thirty years on earth! The wonderful men she's shared a time with. What a beautiful thing her love is. I bet it is so nourishing. She must be such a talented mother. What a multi-tasker too! She's made over eight movies in the past two years or so! Wow! How does she do it all? Ok. So the sarcasms done. Many famous women have said that they would go gay for Angelina. The funny thing is they don't have too. Because she is a man. A manny man whore.

5. Cameron Diaz Curl your hair. I am tired of the stringy shaggy thing she's been sporting for the last seven years. And I am tired of her "I'm just one of the boys" routine. It is so played. Oh goodie! You fart, burp and swear. Yet you look like a super-model? That is sooo interesting. And just marry JT already.

6. Tom effing Cruise You are an idiot. A full fledged idiot. Much like a friend of mine who does not believe in psychiatry or any related field as a legitimate branch of medicine, my head wants to explode when they talk about it. Obviously they do not know anyone who has ever dealt with anything. Why is it that the people who deny the existence or chemical imbalances seem the most imbalanced of all? I hope Katie gets rocked with postpartum real bad. And what's with buying his own sonogram machine. I hadn't realized that Tom (genius that he is) had studied obstetrics. Wow. That- on top of being the world's most overrated actor! Seriously, he's awful. Even movies that I like with him in it, I have to admit that he is a one note character. The same one note character. In every one. And in interviews he is just insufferable. When asked about his black children and how he has dealt with it, he honestly answered in his whisperiest voice- "I just don't see color". Whoa. That is so original! And so moving! Oh please. He is a pathetic man who apparently has love for everyone, except anyone who chooses to live their life by their own beliefs. Then he has snake venom and hate. Kind of like this blog.
Again, I don't actually hate these people. They are like fictional characters on Melrose Place. Did anyone actually like Michael Mancini? No. Of course not. It's the same with these yokels. Ok. Enough for now.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Lalalalalalala life is wonderful, cause I just took a six hour nap!

Ya, that ought to be good for me. In my defense, I slept for two to three hours total the night before. Still. Luckily I awoke in time to catch The Office at nine p.m. I love this show. I know I am like the very last person on board, but oh well. So back to me. Why was I up so late last night? Oh- I thought midnight was a great time to e-file my taxes. So that's done. Thank heavens. Wouldn't want to get down to the wire and think "if only I had spent an hour and a half about three months ago...". This is basically a perfect example of how I do not use my time wisely. Prioritizing is sort of a weak spot for me. See 'We Heart Boys' for more on that. Assuming I remember to blog on that after this. It would be in like twenty minutes or so and how on earth could I keep that sort of idea current in my mind for that long. If you would like a good idea of how my mind works read 'And You Will Know Our Velocity' by David Eggers. Not my favorite book, but he talks about the filing system in his head and how he can't find the right files at the right time. And how he has the entirely wrong files brought to him at the worst times ever. I can relate. Ever been sitting somewhere important and can't get something stupid and trivial out of your head? Like the soundtrack to Wicked when you are at the Temple? Or just about anything ridiculous when you are taking the sacrament? That would be me. I surreptitiously look around at everyone else and assume they are thinking amazing and life changing spiritual thoughts. Me? I'm trying to remember what day the Miss America Pageant will air on CMT. Then I snap back and feel guilty or stupid and try to focus on the topic at hand. (You know, like the Lord's atonement.) I find I have to read a hymn or scriptures on ADD days like this. Sometimes I am just fine. Lately I have been bringing treats to church. Chewy Sprees are the best. Quiet and a major blast of sugar to help tie you through the boring talks till the one good speaker. Sometimes they are all good, but in a singles ward that is often not the case. Anyone else tired of singles wards? I am. Anyhow. Enough about my failings in the Gospel. My last thought for the blog is my new favorite song. Jason Mraz, total guilty pleasure, but hey. I love him. Deal with it. The song is called 'Life is Wonderful', from his second album 'Mr.A-Z'. (Get it? Mraz?) Anyhow, it is the sweetest and most happy song out there right now and I love it and you will too. I-tunes. Now. You all are commanded. Trust me, it's much better to have stuck in your head during church than say '40 Feet' by Franz. Which is my favorite Franz song. Just not a perfect fit Sunday morning.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

GIlbert told Anne to write about what she knows...

...So what do I know? Hotels. My job requires me to spend 2 to 4 nights a week in them. In fact I am in one right now. It has a PC(!), lovely antique-looking tables and a puffy, all-white bed that I can't wait to get into for my three and a half hours of z's. This hotel rules. Others, not so much.
Things that make a hotel awesome, in no particular order, are: Good soap-shampoo sets. The fancier the better. After five plus years of free amenities I still get some odd rush at a fancy mini lotion sitting on my bathroom counter waiting for me. Mini mouthwash? So cute! So un-neccesary! Cozy bed with clen sheets. Now I know clean sheets sounds like it should be a given, but you would be surprised. The stories I could tell, but won't. Good cable. I love the food network and hate to miss a night of Alton Brown. I like two to three channels of movies so I don't have to be stuck with the semi-porn that is always HBO. Seriously it is so stank! Wake-up calls. He-elpful! Good food nearby. I like the assortment of fast food and a few mid-range eateries like Flingers and Chachies. Mini-fridges (empty) and microwaves in the room. So handy. Birthday cake and diet coke. O.K. so I have actually never been in a room with these amenities, but a girl can dream right?
Now, things that suck or that I don't like: Germs. From dirty sheets and bathtubs to hair on the towels or crusty stuff, well, anywhere, It is all really really bad. I take a handi-wipe to all surfaces that I might touch. Controllers, phones and alarm clocks get special treatment. Um, this hotel room is nice, but I DO NOT NEED A PHONE NEXT TO THE TOILET! I barely use the one next to the bed. No way am I touching the one in there. Seriously. That's messed up. "Joey? Promise me you will never call me from that phone". Heat/air units. There is no middle of the road for these loud industrial sized horrors. You are either bone jarringly cold or menopausally hot-flashing through the night. Snooty Hotel Staff. Some are great. And some are miserable. Hotels fight very hard to win contracts from companies like mine. Yes we get a deal on the rates, but they get a guaranteed block of rooms paid for 365 days a year. We keep some hotels in business during their off season. And yet some hotel employees treat us like second rate citizens because we aren't paying for it with our own credit cards or we aren't paying "full price". Any other company that uses corporate rates gets treated like royalty. Not us, they are doing us a favor by letting us spend the night in their spare room. It's beyond annoying.
So. I had no idea that this was going to be so dull. Sorry to my two to three readers. I will try harder this month.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Eleanor Month by Month----Current Blog Below