Friday, December 12, 2008

The bozo in seat 1C and stealing from other people's other blogs

I had to work a three day trip this week. Ugh. Tired, sick of airport food, sick of airports and seriously pondering how some people can be so mean and or stupid. Most of my passengers are super awesome, but it only takes one doofus to ruin a flight. Well done 1C. You are my winner of the most annoying passenger of the week. I wont go into details, and most of it is smell related, but a quick list would include:
1-Taking off his shoes to make the whole forward cabin and galley smell like hot, foot-death.
2-Eating corn-nuts. I am sorry if you like these, but on a plane they smell like #1. Wee. Ya got me here? Shudder.
3-Wearing Patchouli. A lot of people do not know what this is. It is a hideous oil that hippies wear to cover the fact that they haven't showered. So it is usually the overwhelming stench of patchouli combined with BO. Super awesome. (PS:He was in a business suit.) If you are unfamiliar with it, go to a head shop or health store and ask if they have it, smell it, and then remember the times you have hated it before, but didn't know what it was. Dave Matthews concert, college dorms etc... PS. If you don't know what a head shop is, then good for you. It's where they sell bongs and other "tobacco" related items.
4- He kept "shushing" me and the other flight attendant if we started talking in the galley. Bugger off hoser! I am allowed to talk to someone for the freaking three hours I am stuck in the galley with no where to sit and nothing to do. People talk on planes. Deal with it. If you are so special as to afford first class, then buy those freaking headphones that cancel out the noise.
5-He had all the room in the world, yet every time I had to walk past him in the aisle he would hold his paper fully stretched out into the aisle so I had to beg him to let me pass, or just push right past it with all of my giantess-glory. Which is what I chose to do after the first two times of asking only to have him deeply sigh and make a production of angrily folding it all up. By the way- he was on the aisle seat with no one next to him. He could have just shifted to his right, but I imagine he was making a point.
6- He ordered a white wine, took a sip and then ask for a red instead. Later he ordered a coffee with three creams and two sugars, took a sip and said he had ordered it with no sugar. Whatev. When he ordered a scotch on the rocks, took a sip and then "decided" he wanted a whiskey instead I thought the other flight attendant was going to show him the door. Some people.

So that was more detailed than I meant it to be. Wow, this is why I don't usually talk about work at home. Too much irritation.

Now don't get me wrong, normally my job is awesome and I enjoy being there. It has it's hard days, and now that I am massive and uncomfortable all the time it gets harder each trip. I might have one or two more weeks in me, but we shall see.
The only upside of being gone for three days is that I come home with a new appreciation for my cozy house, want to snuggle with my husband and get to catch up on blogs and e-mail. Like cute Allison's. She wrote an awesome bit about her "grown-up Christmas list" like the one in the Amy Grant song. Here is the link.
It was inspiring. She made the point that her list isn't as "world peace" as Mz. Grant's. Maybe a bit more materialistic. However, when compared to mine it looks like hers was written by mother Theresa. Anyhow, here is my blatantly stolen Grown-Up Christmas List. Thanks Allison. Let's start with the far fetched and work our way down. I'll go with twelve for the twelve days of Christmas.

1-For my pregnancy to be a breezy total of three months of baby kicking and nothing else, followed by a brief and easy labor.
2-To have Martha Stewart come and arrange my kitchen pantry and cabinets. And while she's at it she can invite Mr. William Sonoma over to update my pots and pans.
3-Since we are playing make believe here, how about Sufjan Stevens hanging out in my living room playing Christmas songs during the day. At night I would like Johnny Mathis. On special occasions like Christmas Eve we can invite Josh Groban.
4-To enjoy holiday eating without feeling like I am awful, cruel mother who is giving my baby the shakes by over consumption of Cadbury chocolate balls.
5-To have the gumption and time to paint the whole dang place. This one I could conceivably handle I guess. I dream of clean, matching walls that don't show the signs of five years of bachelor living. It would just be a major pain to take down all of the frames and pictures and move furniture and stuff.
6-To know how to organize my spare rooms better. I have craft and sewing stuff in every room of this house. And I'd like to have a crystal ball to see if I will ever really need that tube of paint or yard of lace, instead of hanging onto every leftover from every project.
7-For our fish to die. That sounds awful, but let me explain. He is old. Like six years old. For a fish that is like 147. All his friends died this last year, and now I feel bad for him. The fish friend I miss the most is the wall sucker guy who kept the tank nice and clean. The filter isn't enough, and I dread cleaning the giant tank he now has all to himself. I can't flush him or even give him to my niece. (As that is the same as flushing him. Sorry Abby.) Do vets put down fish?
8-For the winter to stay nice and dry, except for the week of Christmas, but then back to dry. And for the temperature to hover around 40 degrees or higher. And for none of this to affect the water levels or drought conditions.
9-To be finished with my shopping. I am almost there, and I have had a blast this year. But I have one standout, frustrating, blank that is still bothering me. What do I get *****? (Bleeped out name, not dirty word. This person is not a dirty word.)
10-To be able to paint, sew, photograph, bake or write what I really imagine in my mind. Lately a lot of my results have been more than a bit disappointing. To have the time and patience to really try.
11-To not have missed the last three Oh Sweet Sadie shows. Durr. I haven't stopped dreaming about a pair of green shoes I saw there (four shows ago) and can't find them online.
12-To have everyone happy this Holiday. And I don't mean that in the pageant way. It just seems like a lot of people are having a harder than usual time lately and it's frustrating that I can't do a thing to fix any of it. No specifics, as they aren't my stories to share, but there is a definite trend of really sad things happening. I hope everyone can get through them to a shinier and better, greener grass, sun is shining side of things soon.

Ok, like Allison asked: What would be on your Grown-up Christmas List?


Helicougar said...

That seriously makes me mad reading about the guy in 1c. I think there is something hideously wrong with people like that. People who go out of their way to be rude just frustrate me! I ran into some of those 1% people sadly on church history tours. Yes, the church has those rascals too. But then I read your grown-up Christmas list and it made me a lot happier. By the way, it was fun to use the word 'rascals.'

Shauna said...

You are the best ever for giving me something hilarious to read on this boring Friday night. I love that you want your fish to die. I kind of wouldn't mind if my cat accidently got out of the garage and ran away, and now I know you won't judge me for it.

Oh, and in answer to your question about getting together and doing some sort of craft? yes, please. My Christmas decor is seriously lacking, and I have resorted to collecting random dead branches from my sadly neglected yard, bringing them in the house, and decorating them with flaking plastic dollar store ornaments. Clearly, it was much cooler in my head.

Oh, and sorry about the wretched passenger. The shushing is inexcusable. As is the rest, but the shushing would have pushed me over the edge.

One more thing, and then I'm really going to go. Your baby in your baby ticker is looking like she's ready to head off to college, reminding me that I can't believe you're due so soon! Let's talk nursery!

Tiff said...

Marianne!!! You Crack Me Up!!! By-the-way...I don't know Mr. 1C, but I don't like him...grrrr...some people. I am now trying to think up a really great grown-up Christmas List

Brent & Andrea said...

Marianne, sorry but we don't put down fish! But one time during Clayton's bachelor years, I decided to clean the slimy tank (that had been neglected for at least a year!) The next day I get a call saying that the shock of a clean tank killed the fish. Not like I advocate killing animals...

Let's get together sometime, ok?

Clayton said...

Clayton: Wart is the first fish we ever got. He is actually over 7 years old. He survived Andrea's cleaning, my months, nay, years of neglect, and going weeks without food. He out-lived about a dozen other fish named after Sword in the Stone characters. I hate him. Die, Wart. Give it up. No one likes a show-off.

Marcie said...

Rad list Marianne. And thanks for being my friend on facebook. I think you took me to like ... 20 friends or something. Very special. Also, love your blog -- too funny. In case you are dying of boredom you can check me out at -- my non-mommy obsessive blog (I brag on my kids at I had to keep my blogging identities seprarate. I'm odd like that).

Matt and Melissa said...

Thanks for the laughs. I showed this entry, along with the joys of being pregnant one, to my sister Julie, and we both think you should write a weekly humor column, like Dave Barry or something. Oh, and if you want your fish to die, you should give it to my niece. She kills every pet she comes in contact with.

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