Monday, January 23, 2006

Overrated celebrities, my personal list. Volume 1

So this will be a list of celebrities that for one reason or another I can't stand. Not always good reasons, just my very personal and prejudiced reasons. I understand if you don't agree. Or if you have a soft spot in your heart for one of these people even if they are trashy or lame. I know, not a very Christian list. Oh well, judge me if you must. I just get tired of the world adoring certain people for all the wrong reasons, and I want to say why. And it is an incomplete list. So there might be later installments. Also, I say hate quite a bit. I probably mean disgust or exasperation. Now, without further ado, let the venom roll.

1. Kimberly Stewart I hated her before she called Jennifer Aniston homely. I hated her before her publicity stunt of an eleven day engagement. I have disliked her before I knew she was a Paris Hilton cronie. I have been annoyed with her because she is a very ugly girl who is always touted as a model. I'm sorry, but she is heinous. Enough with the ridiculous Dorothy Hamill bangs and overly done eye-makeup! SHE IS UGLY! Yes, she is tall, thin, blonde and rich. That does not make her a pretty. It definitely does not make her a model. Nor does walking a charity run-way or two because of her father's name. Calling Jennifer Aniston homely? When she is a terrier? No. Uh uh. She is ridiculous. Go spend your inheritance or find a real job. Just stay out of US Weekly. She is not famous for anything she has ever done on her own. Obviously she realizes this, and it's why she got engaged for eleven days. At least it was something she did.

1a. Rod Stewart You are not Frank Sinatra. You sound like someone made you drink Draino. Your voice is not soothing, no one thinks you're sexy, you are a dirty old man dating a woman your daughter's age, and you are British! So stop singing American classics like we were all dying for an "ultimate" version. You suck.

2. Tyra Banks Tyra thinks she is the heir apparent to Oprah. And for some reason Oprah adores her. Because she's "real". She will say she was an awkward skinny kid. She will say the other models hate her and make fun of her because she is black. (Horrible-horrible racist models! They are so intolerant!) But she just keeps on keeping it real. Bless her. Ok. She is beyond ridiculous. Her talk show is a joke. I realize she doesn't write it all herself, but she acts as if everything that comes out of her mouth is akin to God's spoken truth. "Girl, you need to believe in yourself!" What?!?! Really Tyra?? But how?! Teach me! Show me the way!!! "My breasts are real!" Now I can sleep at night!!!So, I must admit, I love America's Top Model. It is catty and fast paced and about fashion. (In it's own way) However, I can not stand the judging time. If any of the girls (all novices) do something less than stellar, Tyra takes it upon herself to show them how a PRO (herself) would do it. It's like when Alex Trebek slips up and acts superior when giving the right answer after a contestant's wrong one. Wow, real tough stuff with those answer cards right there. Anyhow. Tyra is trying so hard in every moment that it shows. Pompous windbag might apply here.

3. Paris Hilton By the way, these are in no particular order, otherwise she might be first. I can't even waste the time to catalog her faults. So I will just say that she is my litmus test for any man I date. If he finds her attractive in any way, he's out. Way way out.

4. Angelina Jolie Earth mother. Let's all just take a minute and applaud this humanitarian. What a wonder. What a magical and enlightened soul she must have. Think of all she's accomplished. The lives she's lived in her short thirty years on earth! The wonderful men she's shared a time with. What a beautiful thing her love is. I bet it is so nourishing. She must be such a talented mother. What a multi-tasker too! She's made over eight movies in the past two years or so! Wow! How does she do it all? Ok. So the sarcasms done. Many famous women have said that they would go gay for Angelina. The funny thing is they don't have too. Because she is a man. A manny man whore.

5. Cameron Diaz Curl your hair. I am tired of the stringy shaggy thing she's been sporting for the last seven years. And I am tired of her "I'm just one of the boys" routine. It is so played. Oh goodie! You fart, burp and swear. Yet you look like a super-model? That is sooo interesting. And just marry JT already.

6. Tom effing Cruise You are an idiot. A full fledged idiot. Much like a friend of mine who does not believe in psychiatry or any related field as a legitimate branch of medicine, my head wants to explode when they talk about it. Obviously they do not know anyone who has ever dealt with anything. Why is it that the people who deny the existence or chemical imbalances seem the most imbalanced of all? I hope Katie gets rocked with postpartum real bad. And what's with buying his own sonogram machine. I hadn't realized that Tom (genius that he is) had studied obstetrics. Wow. That- on top of being the world's most overrated actor! Seriously, he's awful. Even movies that I like with him in it, I have to admit that he is a one note character. The same one note character. In every one. And in interviews he is just insufferable. When asked about his black children and how he has dealt with it, he honestly answered in his whisperiest voice- "I just don't see color". Whoa. That is so original! And so moving! Oh please. He is a pathetic man who apparently has love for everyone, except anyone who chooses to live their life by their own beliefs. Then he has snake venom and hate. Kind of like this blog.
Again, I don't actually hate these people. They are like fictional characters on Melrose Place. Did anyone actually like Michael Mancini? No. Of course not. It's the same with these yokels. Ok. Enough for now.


Kirsten J said...

Weird...eery...Because you were reading my mind. I was just going to blog on Kimberly Stewart like, a day ago and never got around to it.

Because I wanted to say that she is a poor man's Amber Frey and Amber Frey is a hound.

"Homely" would be a gentle, flowery compliment to Kimberly Stewpid.

Synergy said...

OH MY GOSH! How have I not seen that before?!! You are so dead on with the Amber Frey bit! Holy Crap! This is a revelation, oh, and thanks for being of one mind. You make me feel special. And you are so freaking hilarious.

lovestrong said...

I laughed right out loud. kudos to you....I think I'm going to start calling all celebrity women (I don't like) by dog's names. That's just funny...

Ninny Beth said...

today you won my heart. People will ask when it happened, and I will say...January 23rd, 2006. ANGELINA JOLIE..earthmother, manny man WHORE! I wanted to get to the bathroom before I started to look like whatsherface from the black eyed peas...but I didn't really make it.

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