The bozo in seat 1C and stealing from other people's other blogs

I had to work a three day trip this week. Ugh. Tired, sick of airport food, sick of airports and seriously pondering how some people can be so mean and or stupid. Most of my passengers are super awesome, but it only takes one doofus to ruin a flight. Well done 1C. You are my winner of the most annoying passenger of the week. I wont go into details, and most of it is smell related, but a quick list would include:
1-Taking off his shoes to make the whole forward cabin and galley smell like hot, foot-death.
2-Eating corn-nuts. I am sorry if you like these, but on a plane they smell like #1. Wee. Ya got me here? Shudder.
3-Wearing Patchouli. A lot of people do not know what this is. It is a hideous oil that hippies wear to cover the fact that they haven't showered. So it is usually the overwhelming stench of patchouli combined with BO. Super awesome. (PS:He was in a business suit.) If you are unfamiliar with it, go to a head shop or health store and ask if they have it, smell it, and then remember the times you have hated it before, but didn't know what it was. Dave Matthews concert, college dorms etc... PS. If you don't know what a head shop is, then good for you. It's where they sell bongs and other "tobacco" related items.
4- He kept "shushing" me and the other flight attendant if we started talking in the galley. Bugger off hoser! I am allowed to talk to someone for the freaking three hours I am stuck in the galley with no where to sit and nothing to do. People talk on planes. Deal with it. If you are so special as to afford first class, then buy those freaking headphones that cancel out the noise.
5-He had all the room in the world, yet every time I had to walk past him in the aisle he would hold his paper fully stretched out into the aisle so I had to beg him to let me pass, or just push right past it with all of my giantess-glory. Which is what I chose to do after the first two times of asking only to have him deeply sigh and make a production of angrily folding it all up. By the way- he was on the aisle seat with no one next to him. He could have just shifted to his right, but I imagine he was making a point.
6- He ordered a white wine, took a sip and then ask for a red instead. Later he ordered a coffee with three creams and two sugars, took a sip and said he had ordered it with no sugar. Whatev. When he ordered a scotch on the rocks, took a sip and then "decided" he wanted a whiskey instead I thought the other flight attendant was going to show him the door. Some people.

So that was more detailed than I meant it to be. Wow, this is why I don't usually talk about work at home. Too much irritation.

Now don't get me wrong, normally my job is awesome and I enjoy being there. It has it's hard days, and now that I am massive and uncomfortable all the time it gets harder each trip. I might have one or two more weeks in me, but we shall see.
The only upside of being gone for three days is that I come home with a new appreciation for my cozy house, want to snuggle with my husband and get to catch up on blogs and e-mail. Like cute Allison's. She wrote an awesome bit about her "grown-up Christmas list" like the one in the Amy Grant song. Here is the link.
http://michaelallisonhansen.blogspot.com/
It was inspiring. She made the point that her list isn't as "world peace" as Mz. Grant's. Maybe a bit more materialistic. However, when compared to mine it looks like hers was written by mother Theresa. Anyhow, here is my blatantly stolen Grown-Up Christmas List. Thanks Allison. Let's start with the far fetched and work our way down. I'll go with twelve for the twelve days of Christmas.

1-For my pregnancy to be a breezy total of three months of baby kicking and nothing else, followed by a brief and easy labor.
2-To have Martha Stewart come and arrange my kitchen pantry and cabinets. And while she's at it she can invite Mr. William Sonoma over to update my pots and pans.
3-Since we are playing make believe here, how about Sufjan Stevens hanging out in my living room playing Christmas songs during the day. At night I would like Johnny Mathis. On special occasions like Christmas Eve we can invite Josh Groban.
4-To enjoy holiday eating without feeling like I am awful, cruel mother who is giving my baby the shakes by over consumption of Cadbury chocolate balls.
5-To have the gumption and time to paint the whole dang place. This one I could conceivably handle I guess. I dream of clean, matching walls that don't show the signs of five years of bachelor living. It would just be a major pain to take down all of the frames and pictures and move furniture and stuff.
6-To know how to organize my spare rooms better. I have craft and sewing stuff in every room of this house. And I'd like to have a crystal ball to see if I will ever really need that tube of paint or yard of lace, instead of hanging onto every leftover from every project.
7-For our fish to die. That sounds awful, but let me explain. He is old. Like six years old. For a fish that is like 147. All his friends died this last year, and now I feel bad for him. The fish friend I miss the most is the wall sucker guy who kept the tank nice and clean. The filter isn't enough, and I dread cleaning the giant tank he now has all to himself. I can't flush him or even give him to my niece. (As that is the same as flushing him. Sorry Abby.) Do vets put down fish?
8-For the winter to stay nice and dry, except for the week of Christmas, but then back to dry. And for the temperature to hover around 40 degrees or higher. And for none of this to affect the water levels or drought conditions.
9-To be finished with my shopping. I am almost there, and I have had a blast this year. But I have one standout, frustrating, blank that is still bothering me. What do I get *****? (Bleeped out name, not dirty word. This person is not a dirty word.)
10-To be able to paint, sew, photograph, bake or write what I really imagine in my mind. Lately a lot of my results have been more than a bit disappointing. To have the time and patience to really try.
11-To not have missed the last three Oh Sweet Sadie shows. Durr. I haven't stopped dreaming about a pair of green shoes I saw there (four shows ago) and can't find them online.
12-To have everyone happy this Holiday. And I don't mean that in the pageant way. It just seems like a lot of people are having a harder than usual time lately and it's frustrating that I can't do a thing to fix any of it. No specifics, as they aren't my stories to share, but there is a definite trend of really sad things happening. I hope everyone can get through them to a shinier and better, greener grass, sun is shining side of things soon.

Ok, like Allison asked: What would be on your Grown-up Christmas List?

Pregnancy is a Magical Time...

...and don't get me wrong. I love it. I have been so blessed and we are so grateful for the chance to start our family. That said, let me tell you about some of the "perks".
1- New Magical IQ Level Hint: it didn't get bigger.
To start, it took me three tries to spell the word 'magical' in the title. I'm not the world's best speller, but lately I feel like I need a dictionary just to spell my name. A few weeks ago I couldn't tell Clayton the fourth President on Mt. Rushmore. And now I can't remember if I had forgotten Roosevelt or Jefferson. I also couldn't tell him the President on the dime. F.D.R. in case you are pregnant too. Clayton wasn't buying the pregnancy brain excuse. Little bits of knowledge that I normally feel secure in, suddenly escape me. It's beyond frustrating. I really hope this scatterbrain feeling goes away after delivery.
2-New Foxy Body Hint: it did get bigger.
I'm not naive about what pregnancy does to a body. I also realize I am the last person on earth (it seems) to experience this. However, it still comes as a shock every time I look in the mirror. I am not disgusted or upset, just a little startled and then I move on. It's bizarre. I wish I could put into words how strange it all is, but as we just learned in topic #1, I'm not the writer I used to be anymore. The only thing I am concerned about would be my belly button. It has gone from innie to flat, and is now on it's way to outie. Bugger. And I know why. Not because a little person is pushing it out from the inside, no. It's punishment. Karma. You see, when I was 14 I was at the mall with my sister Jennifer. We saw a lady who had to be in her 10th month walking around in a very tight and bizarre stretch, stirrup-pant, jumpsuit thing. It was bright teal green, so it caught your attention. Well, she had the most pronounced outie that I had ever seen. So of course I ogled in fascination and horror. I didn't point or laugh, but I doubt I was discreet. Well, the memory is still vivid. More so now because I realize that she probably was at the mall walking around to try and get her labor started. She was wearing the ridiculous outfit because it was the one piece of clothing that still fit. And she was probably extremely annoyed that this stick figure 14 year old girl wouldn't stop staring at her. So now I will have a ridiculous outie because my anorexic looking, idiot 14 year old self made it so.

3-The Fantastic Unsolicited Advice I Get Hint: let's review what unsolicited means.
Let's start with Doreen from work. I flew a trip with Doreen when I was about three months along. Then I flew with her a week ago. She was eager to hear what the gender was and so I told her. The words were barely out of my mouth when she said: "Oh, I could have just told you that you were having a girl. Because with a boy you only gain weight out front, and with a girl you gain a ton of weigh all over." She made a circling motion with her finger pointing at all of me as she said it. Hmmph.
I would say that 95% of all of my co-workers insist that I not quit my job. Not that I asked them. It's just the first thing they seem to want to tell a pregnant flight attendant. Apparently being a stay-at-home mom is now the equivalent of working as a stripper. You really have to defend your notions, only to have them still shake their head in confusion or pity. Don't get me wrong, I think a woman should be able to choose what path she wants in motherhood. And I know way too many awesome women who are single moms or need to work to help the family or just choose to for a million other reasons. But who would of thought that people were so against the old fashioned June Cleaver bit? I've taken to telling people that I will decide when the time comes. Which is true. Never say never right?
People have told me I am carrying high, others that I'm carrying low, but no one just comes up and says: "Wow, you are carrying just right!" It's usually passengers on my plane. They have lots to say to me. Most people are sweet and well-meaning, but a few ask pointed questions like:"How long DO they let you work for on this job?" That's not a bad question, and the answer is- not past 7 months or as long as you still feel ok. But it's the emphasis on the question that implies that I am a freak. Understood. There isn't that much room for me on the plane, and it is rapidly getting smaller.
I also had a guy say he wanted to ask me a huge favor. Ok I say, thinking he needs help with a connection or something. But then he surprises me with: "GET AN EPIDURAL." Apparently he had to suffer through his wife going through some tortuous three day natural thing. No problem strange man, I will take your advice. I am of the "modern medicine is my friend" mindset. Seriously, how bad was it for him that he feels the need to spread the good word on pain killers? Poor guy.
Even my cute mother-in-law had a bit that I hopefully can't use. I told her about the first time I felt the baby kick and she said to "mark her words, that six months from that day is the day I would deliver". She acknowledged that it is an old wives tale, but that it was true for each of her babies. Let's hope she felt extra early. Otherwise I will be delivering a month and a half past my due date.

I have many more things I could say about this. Clumsiness, exhaustion, moodiness, bad sleep, new freaky things I learn everyday that you should NEVER do when pregnant, but I just did etc... etc.. I could also talk about the amazing things that I've experienced. Extra patience (from others towards me, not the other way around) feeling the baby move all day, getting to buy baby clothes... but this is long enough for now. So I will just leave you with this treat.
I wish I could say this was my Halloween costume, but no. This is the maternity treasure that I get to wear to work from here on out. This picture isn't properly conveying the frumpiness. It is apparently made at the Yearning For Zion dress shop. (PS. That's the Warren Jeff's compound.)

Rarrr!

My Good Deed of the Week

So last week I had to make a stop at the mall. As I walked from my car to the entrance I passed this.

My first thought was: Seriously? Followed by: You have GOT to be kidding. I circled around to see if they had a handicap pass. I didn't want to assume, maybe someone with a disability likes hiking up into a tank that has a twenty two inch lift. Maybe it's tricked out with a lowering mechanism like the kneeling buses. And hey- many people have disabilities that you can't see, but they need the spot nonetheless. I was so willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, I didn't see the pass. So I took a picture thinking it would be a funny story later. Then I decided to mention it to security inside. I doubted they would really do anything, but maybe they could check it out. Good people really do need those spots. And maybe the pass could have been hidden on the dash or something. Still.
Nope. As I made my way out to my car about an hour later I saw this, and had to take another picture. I haven't been this proud in a long time.

Celebrity Moms....mostly bad parents to be.

So it is interesting to see who is expecting a baby with me. Some are downright annoying and you feel sorry for the unborn baby. Some I am genuinely happy for. Most don't even register as interesting. I thought I'd log a few for my interest alone. Although I know at least one of my readers has an unhealthy obsession like me in celebrity gossip. We can stop anytime. So let's start with the annoying ones.
Nicole Richie. Stopped doing crack for the press, I mean baby. I am still bugged with whichever Madden brother she is dating for dating her so soon after dumping Hilary Duff. I told you this was really important. I like my celebrities to have a nice cooling off period. Impregnating an anorexic coke whore is not cooling off. Sorry for the strong language. Hormones.
Halle Berry. Also unmarried. Much healthier, but still icky. I also roll my eyes at any actress having a first baby after 40. Nothing wrong with having babies at that age, don't misunderstand me. It's just convinient that once the sex-symbol thing starts to wear off they run for the nurseries. Ala Sharon Stone. Ugh. Don't get me started on her. Also Halle has an enormous bump for being "barely three months". Maybe it shows more if you don't have body fat.
Christina Aguilera. I can only imagine the tarty outfits she will conjure up during her time. At least she's married.

Those are the worst I suppose. Here are the rest.
Salma Hayek. Big as a house. That would be the meanest statement in the world, and one I will regret in seven months. Here's a little story. When she made the movie Fools Rush In she played a pregnant woman. And at the time I remember thinking that she was the most adorable pregnant woman ever. So it is refreshing to see that her "real" pregnancy is more of an equalizer. She is engaged to a billionaire. Good for her, I guess.
Milla Jovovitch. Models. Ugh. She was recently interviewed and photographed (nude) for a magazine. Her statements were all annoying and hopefully naive. All about her new curves and her healthy Russian arms etc... She looks just like she always has. Skii-iinny. Only she looks like she is arching her back. Ugh.
Linda Evangalista. She is 41 her boyfriend billionaire is 60. Remember when people were just millionaires? Ya. Me too. Another rich model. Ugh.
Charlotte Church. Is she old enough? Wasn't she 13 like yesterday?
Ali Landry. Another model/actress who will surely be lovely all nine months. She's the one that was married and annulled to Slater.
Paulina Rubio. Drea DeMatteo. Tameka Foster. Garcelle Beauvais Nilon. Noel Gallagher's girlfriend. Anthony Keidis' girlfriend. (He is 44 she is 20!) Samantha Morton. Helena Bonham Carter. Jill Hennessey. Constance Zimmer. Toni Collette. Kim Raver (Also too skinny). Thalia Mottola (Tommy is Mariah Carey's ex.) Jack White's wife Karen Elson (another model). Mark Ruffalo's wife. Brandon Flower's wife Tanya. Joey McIntyre's wife. Isla Fisher (cute) Elisabeth Hasselbeck (adorable).

Reported pregnant but probably not. Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes #2, and sadly Jenna Bush. Interesting. If you know of any others drop me a line. And if you don't know who most of those people are, then feel proud of yourself. You have not wasted weeks worth of time learning about people who will never really matter in your life, except to lower your self esteem.

Back the freak off freaking stock-boy!!

Why is it that in a grocery store I can either walk around for three hours with no one to help me find the Rit Dye, or I get this guy? -
Me: "Hi, could you tell me where the toothpaste is?" Note I said TELL, not show.
Him: "Sure, follow me!"
Ok, that's nice of him. The aisle number was all I was shooting for, but maybe he wants a break from facing the Jello.(Facing is the task of making all the boxes or cans sit the same way at the front of the shelf. I worked in a grocery store for 4 years, I know the biz.)
And so he leads me to the toothpaste.
Me: "Thank you."
Him: "Sure."
And he stands there. And I self consciously shop for my toothpaste.
Him: "Anything else I can help you find?"
Me: "No, no thank you."
Him: "Ya, there's toothpaste right here and over here is mouthwash, and up here is the organic kind."
Me: "Oh... sure, thanks."
And he will not leave! He stands there looking at toothpaste with me for another two minutes until I finally move. Then he follows me off. Now this is not a case of some weird boy stalking thing, this happens with girls too. You ask them one question and they have now become your personal shopper. It happens to me all the time and it bugs! Somewhere else in the store a poor woman is desperately trying to find Rit Dye to no avail (Is it by the laundry stuff? By the spray paint or maybe the light bulbs? Where?) and is cursing the store under her breath.
I wonder if I fit some shoplifting profile and they feel the need to keep a close eye on me. Or maybe I look stupid and they doubt that I could find the toothpaste aisle if I all I have is the number to go by. Who knows. What I do know is that this is possibly the lamest blog yet. It was just an unfortunate day where I hit three different stores (Smiths, Target and Home Depot) and it happened at all three. Bizarre.

It's time!!!!

It's time for the Academy Awards- that are almost always a let-down. (But not this year baby! Kir & Darrens party is going to rule!!) It's time for Paris Hilton to start wearing underwear. (I want Stacy and Clinton of What Not To Wear to rip her a new one.) ((I wish Clinton was straight.)) It's time for me to take a vacation, I am getting way too cranky at work. (Big V is so not happening, time to be out of debt, grrrr.) And most of all, it's time for everyone to take a few minutes and blog. Me included. Love to all -M

Alyssa Milano is just an idiot.

Rather than attach her to a list of celebrities who bug, I thought I'd just give her a few minutes of my time with no distractions. This woman is such a relationship genius that she has been in a multitude of massively public breakups. And actions like posing nude and roles in major lame-o-la movies has proven that she is not exactly a rocket scientist. You can just check US Weekly or the like for a catalog of her dysfunctional life. She never really made my radar before until I read a recent article about her and she had the nerve to blame her parents, her happily married and very normal parents- for her dysfunctional relationships. See, from her point of view, she never knew that you could be a happy adult and be single. Because her parents were happy and married. She didn't know there was another option. Wow.(not WoW) She is an ID-I-OT. What a ridiculous slant to put on normal. Now nuclear families will get blamed for any screwing up that happens too. It's bad enough that we live in a society that encourages us to look anywhere but at ourselves for explanations for our horrible behavior. Now we apparently have one more place to blame. Happiness. She is baleeted.

The Best Way to Waste Our Time, Yet.

Dear Friend,
I was just reading the fug website:
www.gofugyourself.typepad.com
Kir first blessed us with this wonderful land of happiness. Anyhow, added to that genius of a site is a link to another site. And this is my favorite site in ages.
www.awfulplasticsurgery.com
That's all I have for today. I don't want to waste your time reading my blog when you can be perusing their nasty rants. Consider it a gift from me.
Love Marianne

Overrated celebrities, my personal list. Volume 1

So this will be a list of celebrities that for one reason or another I can't stand. Not always good reasons, just my very personal and prejudiced reasons. I understand if you don't agree. Or if you have a soft spot in your heart for one of these people even if they are trashy or lame. I know, not a very Christian list. Oh well, judge me if you must. I just get tired of the world adoring certain people for all the wrong reasons, and I want to say why. And it is an incomplete list. So there might be later installments. Also, I say hate quite a bit. I probably mean disgust or exasperation. Now, without further ado, let the venom roll.

1. Kimberly Stewart I hated her before she called Jennifer Aniston homely. I hated her before her publicity stunt of an eleven day engagement. I have disliked her before I knew she was a Paris Hilton cronie. I have been annoyed with her because she is a very ugly girl who is always touted as a model. I'm sorry, but she is heinous. Enough with the ridiculous Dorothy Hamill bangs and overly done eye-makeup! SHE IS UGLY! Yes, she is tall, thin, blonde and rich. That does not make her a pretty. It definitely does not make her a model. Nor does walking a charity run-way or two because of her father's name. Calling Jennifer Aniston homely? When she is a terrier? No. Uh uh. She is ridiculous. Go spend your inheritance or find a real job. Just stay out of US Weekly. She is not famous for anything she has ever done on her own. Obviously she realizes this, and it's why she got engaged for eleven days. At least it was something she did.

1a. Rod Stewart You are not Frank Sinatra. You sound like someone made you drink Draino. Your voice is not soothing, no one thinks you're sexy, you are a dirty old man dating a woman your daughter's age, and you are British! So stop singing American classics like we were all dying for an "ultimate" version. You suck.

2. Tyra Banks Tyra thinks she is the heir apparent to Oprah. And for some reason Oprah adores her. Because she's "real". She will say she was an awkward skinny kid. She will say the other models hate her and make fun of her because she is black. (Horrible-horrible racist models! They are so intolerant!) But she just keeps on keeping it real. Bless her. Ok. She is beyond ridiculous. Her talk show is a joke. I realize she doesn't write it all herself, but she acts as if everything that comes out of her mouth is akin to God's spoken truth. "Girl, you need to believe in yourself!" What?!?! Really Tyra?? But how?! Teach me! Show me the way!!! "My breasts are real!" Now I can sleep at night!!!So, I must admit, I love America's Top Model. It is catty and fast paced and about fashion. (In it's own way) However, I can not stand the judging time. If any of the girls (all novices) do something less than stellar, Tyra takes it upon herself to show them how a PRO (herself) would do it. It's like when Alex Trebek slips up and acts superior when giving the right answer after a contestant's wrong one. Wow, real tough stuff with those answer cards right there. Anyhow. Tyra is trying so hard in every moment that it shows. Pompous windbag might apply here.

3. Paris Hilton By the way, these are in no particular order, otherwise she might be first. I can't even waste the time to catalog her faults. So I will just say that she is my litmus test for any man I date. If he finds her attractive in any way, he's out. Way way out.

4. Angelina Jolie Earth mother. Let's all just take a minute and applaud this humanitarian. What a wonder. What a magical and enlightened soul she must have. Think of all she's accomplished. The lives she's lived in her short thirty years on earth! The wonderful men she's shared a time with. What a beautiful thing her love is. I bet it is so nourishing. She must be such a talented mother. What a multi-tasker too! She's made over eight movies in the past two years or so! Wow! How does she do it all? Ok. So the sarcasms done. Many famous women have said that they would go gay for Angelina. The funny thing is they don't have too. Because she is a man. A manny man whore.

5. Cameron Diaz Curl your hair. I am tired of the stringy shaggy thing she's been sporting for the last seven years. And I am tired of her "I'm just one of the boys" routine. It is so played. Oh goodie! You fart, burp and swear. Yet you look like a super-model? That is sooo interesting. And just marry JT already.

6. Tom effing Cruise You are an idiot. A full fledged idiot. Much like a friend of mine who does not believe in psychiatry or any related field as a legitimate branch of medicine, my head wants to explode when they talk about it. Obviously they do not know anyone who has ever dealt with anything. Why is it that the people who deny the existence or chemical imbalances seem the most imbalanced of all? I hope Katie gets rocked with postpartum real bad. And what's with buying his own sonogram machine. I hadn't realized that Tom (genius that he is) had studied obstetrics. Wow. That- on top of being the world's most overrated actor! Seriously, he's awful. Even movies that I like with him in it, I have to admit that he is a one note character. The same one note character. In every one. And in interviews he is just insufferable. When asked about his black children and how he has dealt with it, he honestly answered in his whisperiest voice- "I just don't see color". Whoa. That is so original! And so moving! Oh please. He is a pathetic man who apparently has love for everyone, except anyone who chooses to live their life by their own beliefs. Then he has snake venom and hate. Kind of like this blog.
Again, I don't actually hate these people. They are like fictional characters on Melrose Place. Did anyone actually like Michael Mancini? No. Of course not. It's the same with these yokels. Ok. Enough for now.