ZUMA!

Just don't purchase it. I implore all of you. Having played it at my brother Tom's house a while back, I thought it would be fun to have on our computer. I bought it recently for ten bucks. Bad idea. Clayton of course has beaten it within a day or so, while I can't get pass level 9-6. I know, I sound like a WOW'er. I look forward to my days off so I can catch up on housework and hobbies. Instead my day goes like this.
Wake up. Play Zuma. Brush teeth. Play Zuma. Start laundry. Play Zuma. Make bed. Play Zuma. Etc...etc...
In fact I will more than likely be at it again in about three minutes. So sad. I don't deserve free time.

Woo Hoo! Marriage Rules!!

The wedding was a dream come true. If I ever figure out how to share pictures, I will post them here. Sure, it was the morning of tears and stress,( the evening before I got 1&1/2 hours of sleep) but it all came together. I didn't lose a pound, my hair was nowhere near what I wanted, my dress ripped halfway through the day (not due to my not losing pounds, the lace got caught on a truck bumper), Clayton's tie was hilarious and I didn't even get to eat a thing at the reception that featured all of my favorite treats. But the magic... the sealing was beautiful, my family were beautiful. People looked happy and I could feel their well-wishing in a tangible way. The luncheon felt like a surprise birthday party. I saw friends and family at the reception that I hadn't seen in years. It was a charmed day. There were such lovely moments... the sun setting over the lake, my little nephews eating the wedding cake (they were the only ones), friends gathered around watching our wedding video, riding off in the cool dark night in a golf cart as the entire party looked down at us and waved... everything was so beautiful. Everyone worked so hard for us, again with the tangible love. I feel sad for anyone who's wedding wasn't ours. And then we flew off (first class, my job rules) to Paris, Vienna and Rome. Trust me, we know how completely spoiled and ridiculously blessed we are. It was all so wonderful, but I have to say that the best part of all of it- is coming home each day knowing he will be there.

I'M ENGAAAAAGED!!!!

And as such I have about two months to completely plan a wedding, honeymoon and oh yeah, sew the dress. Glutton? Who cares, I'M ENGAAAAGED!!!! If you haven't seen the Friends episode where Monica gets engaged, well, watch it. So funny. Now back to me, Bridezilla. Oh, I also need to magically tone my arms to Meg Ryan-Jennifer Aniston standards, get my thighs to look like Jean Grey in X-Men 3... (have you seen the part where she is blowing off doors as she walks around in small clothes? Hot)... and lose anywhere from 10 to 15 pounds. Oh sure, it could happen. Only if by sewing enough to finish the dress in time I will not have time to eat.
So today I pose this question to you all.
Is there any worse feeling than hating your body or feeling overweight, and feeling ravenously hungry at the same time?
Maybe being in the hole and wanting fancy shoes or something, except in that situation the choice is made for you.
Eating and self-control is just a mean crossroads to be at.

Back the freak off freaking stock-boy!!

Why is it that in a grocery store I can either walk around for three hours with no one to help me find the Rit Dye, or I get this guy? -
Me: "Hi, could you tell me where the toothpaste is?" Note I said TELL, not show.
Him: "Sure, follow me!"
Ok, that's nice of him. The aisle number was all I was shooting for, but maybe he wants a break from facing the Jello.(Facing is the task of making all the boxes or cans sit the same way at the front of the shelf. I worked in a grocery store for 4 years, I know the biz.)
And so he leads me to the toothpaste.
Me: "Thank you."
Him: "Sure."
And he stands there. And I self consciously shop for my toothpaste.
Him: "Anything else I can help you find?"
Me: "No, no thank you."
Him: "Ya, there's toothpaste right here and over here is mouthwash, and up here is the organic kind."
Me: "Oh... sure, thanks."
And he will not leave! He stands there looking at toothpaste with me for another two minutes until I finally move. Then he follows me off. Now this is not a case of some weird boy stalking thing, this happens with girls too. You ask them one question and they have now become your personal shopper. It happens to me all the time and it bugs! Somewhere else in the store a poor woman is desperately trying to find Rit Dye to no avail (Is it by the laundry stuff? By the spray paint or maybe the light bulbs? Where?) and is cursing the store under her breath.
I wonder if I fit some shoplifting profile and they feel the need to keep a close eye on me. Or maybe I look stupid and they doubt that I could find the toothpaste aisle if I all I have is the number to go by. Who knows. What I do know is that this is possibly the lamest blog yet. It was just an unfortunate day where I hit three different stores (Smiths, Target and Home Depot) and it happened at all three. Bizarre.

Wow I wished I blogged more

I actually do, only it's on tiny scraps of paper at work. And who knows what I do with those. These scraps also contain titles of books I want to read, music to listen to or buy, words I don't understand the meaning of and want to look up, lists of things I need to do that week, lists of things I need at the grocery store etc... I find that I can produce a copious amount of lists. They are practically like journals, too bad they aren't dated. Most of the world has a better way to do it. I have a friend that uses her good old Franklin Covey planner every blessed hour. Another is so organized on her PC that if she were to have a house fire, she would never recover. Palms, magic phones that work better than Palms, even I-pods now, they keep everyone informed and on time but me. I like to stick to the random paper idea. These slips of paper end up all over my house, my car,in my purses and bags. I never find them in time to use them effectively, but I love finding them. "Oh yeah" I think, "Radiohead was going to be on Letterman last week. Bet that was good". or "Hey- I forgot to buy spray starch at the store".
Hopefully I will soon find one of my errant pieces of paper with a good blog written on it. Then maybe I can blog about something other than blogging.

Where am I going?

I know where I should be going. Why can't I steer myself there a little better? I have goals and ideas of what I want to happen, what is keeping me from achieving them? I put the blame solely on myself. A friend and I were talking about what to do next. New jobs, new cities etc... It seems I only make these decisions when something happens TO me and I react. Which is sad because one of my all time favorite quotes is:

It is following the lines of least resistance that makes rivers and men crooked.

-Ralph Parlette
Isn't that what I am doing? If anyone has any advice for me, let me have it. Bring it on. I am a sail that needs to be blown somewhere. I feel lame and deflated and bored. My challenges seem insurmountable at times. Well, this time. I want some encouraging stories or well intentioned advice. Or maybe just a good joke to kick me out of this mood.

It's time!!!!

It's time for the Academy Awards- that are almost always a let-down. (But not this year baby! Kir & Darrens party is going to rule!!) It's time for Paris Hilton to start wearing underwear. (I want Stacy and Clinton of What Not To Wear to rip her a new one.) ((I wish Clinton was straight.)) It's time for me to take a vacation, I am getting way too cranky at work. (Big V is so not happening, time to be out of debt, grrrr.) And most of all, it's time for everyone to take a few minutes and blog. Me included. Love to all -M

Alyssa Milano is just an idiot.

Rather than attach her to a list of celebrities who bug, I thought I'd just give her a few minutes of my time with no distractions. This woman is such a relationship genius that she has been in a multitude of massively public breakups. And actions like posing nude and roles in major lame-o-la movies has proven that she is not exactly a rocket scientist. You can just check US Weekly or the like for a catalog of her dysfunctional life. She never really made my radar before until I read a recent article about her and she had the nerve to blame her parents, her happily married and very normal parents- for her dysfunctional relationships. See, from her point of view, she never knew that you could be a happy adult and be single. Because her parents were happy and married. She didn't know there was another option. Wow.(not WoW) She is an ID-I-OT. What a ridiculous slant to put on normal. Now nuclear families will get blamed for any screwing up that happens too. It's bad enough that we live in a society that encourages us to look anywhere but at ourselves for explanations for our horrible behavior. Now we apparently have one more place to blame. Happiness. She is baleeted.

The Best Way to Waste Our Time, Yet.

Dear Friend,
I was just reading the fug website:
www.gofugyourself.typepad.com
Kir first blessed us with this wonderful land of happiness. Anyhow, added to that genius of a site is a link to another site. And this is my favorite site in ages.
www.awfulplasticsurgery.com
That's all I have for today. I don't want to waste your time reading my blog when you can be perusing their nasty rants. Consider it a gift from me.
Love Marianne

Overrated celebrities, my personal list. Volume 1

So this will be a list of celebrities that for one reason or another I can't stand. Not always good reasons, just my very personal and prejudiced reasons. I understand if you don't agree. Or if you have a soft spot in your heart for one of these people even if they are trashy or lame. I know, not a very Christian list. Oh well, judge me if you must. I just get tired of the world adoring certain people for all the wrong reasons, and I want to say why. And it is an incomplete list. So there might be later installments. Also, I say hate quite a bit. I probably mean disgust or exasperation. Now, without further ado, let the venom roll.

1. Kimberly Stewart I hated her before she called Jennifer Aniston homely. I hated her before her publicity stunt of an eleven day engagement. I have disliked her before I knew she was a Paris Hilton cronie. I have been annoyed with her because she is a very ugly girl who is always touted as a model. I'm sorry, but she is heinous. Enough with the ridiculous Dorothy Hamill bangs and overly done eye-makeup! SHE IS UGLY! Yes, she is tall, thin, blonde and rich. That does not make her a pretty. It definitely does not make her a model. Nor does walking a charity run-way or two because of her father's name. Calling Jennifer Aniston homely? When she is a terrier? No. Uh uh. She is ridiculous. Go spend your inheritance or find a real job. Just stay out of US Weekly. She is not famous for anything she has ever done on her own. Obviously she realizes this, and it's why she got engaged for eleven days. At least it was something she did.

1a. Rod Stewart You are not Frank Sinatra. You sound like someone made you drink Draino. Your voice is not soothing, no one thinks you're sexy, you are a dirty old man dating a woman your daughter's age, and you are British! So stop singing American classics like we were all dying for an "ultimate" version. You suck.

2. Tyra Banks Tyra thinks she is the heir apparent to Oprah. And for some reason Oprah adores her. Because she's "real". She will say she was an awkward skinny kid. She will say the other models hate her and make fun of her because she is black. (Horrible-horrible racist models! They are so intolerant!) But she just keeps on keeping it real. Bless her. Ok. She is beyond ridiculous. Her talk show is a joke. I realize she doesn't write it all herself, but she acts as if everything that comes out of her mouth is akin to God's spoken truth. "Girl, you need to believe in yourself!" What?!?! Really Tyra?? But how?! Teach me! Show me the way!!! "My breasts are real!" Now I can sleep at night!!!So, I must admit, I love America's Top Model. It is catty and fast paced and about fashion. (In it's own way) However, I can not stand the judging time. If any of the girls (all novices) do something less than stellar, Tyra takes it upon herself to show them how a PRO (herself) would do it. It's like when Alex Trebek slips up and acts superior when giving the right answer after a contestant's wrong one. Wow, real tough stuff with those answer cards right there. Anyhow. Tyra is trying so hard in every moment that it shows. Pompous windbag might apply here.

3. Paris Hilton By the way, these are in no particular order, otherwise she might be first. I can't even waste the time to catalog her faults. So I will just say that she is my litmus test for any man I date. If he finds her attractive in any way, he's out. Way way out.

4. Angelina Jolie Earth mother. Let's all just take a minute and applaud this humanitarian. What a wonder. What a magical and enlightened soul she must have. Think of all she's accomplished. The lives she's lived in her short thirty years on earth! The wonderful men she's shared a time with. What a beautiful thing her love is. I bet it is so nourishing. She must be such a talented mother. What a multi-tasker too! She's made over eight movies in the past two years or so! Wow! How does she do it all? Ok. So the sarcasms done. Many famous women have said that they would go gay for Angelina. The funny thing is they don't have too. Because she is a man. A manny man whore.

5. Cameron Diaz Curl your hair. I am tired of the stringy shaggy thing she's been sporting for the last seven years. And I am tired of her "I'm just one of the boys" routine. It is so played. Oh goodie! You fart, burp and swear. Yet you look like a super-model? That is sooo interesting. And just marry JT already.

6. Tom effing Cruise You are an idiot. A full fledged idiot. Much like a friend of mine who does not believe in psychiatry or any related field as a legitimate branch of medicine, my head wants to explode when they talk about it. Obviously they do not know anyone who has ever dealt with anything. Why is it that the people who deny the existence or chemical imbalances seem the most imbalanced of all? I hope Katie gets rocked with postpartum real bad. And what's with buying his own sonogram machine. I hadn't realized that Tom (genius that he is) had studied obstetrics. Wow. That- on top of being the world's most overrated actor! Seriously, he's awful. Even movies that I like with him in it, I have to admit that he is a one note character. The same one note character. In every one. And in interviews he is just insufferable. When asked about his black children and how he has dealt with it, he honestly answered in his whisperiest voice- "I just don't see color". Whoa. That is so original! And so moving! Oh please. He is a pathetic man who apparently has love for everyone, except anyone who chooses to live their life by their own beliefs. Then he has snake venom and hate. Kind of like this blog.
Again, I don't actually hate these people. They are like fictional characters on Melrose Place. Did anyone actually like Michael Mancini? No. Of course not. It's the same with these yokels. Ok. Enough for now.

Lalalalalalala life is wonderful, cause I just took a six hour nap!

Ya, that ought to be good for me. In my defense, I slept for two to three hours total the night before. Still. Luckily I awoke in time to catch The Office at nine p.m. I love this show. I know I am like the very last person on board, but oh well. So back to me. Why was I up so late last night? Oh- I thought midnight was a great time to e-file my taxes. So that's done. Thank heavens. Wouldn't want to get down to the wire and think "if only I had spent an hour and a half about three months ago...". This is basically a perfect example of how I do not use my time wisely. Prioritizing is sort of a weak spot for me. See 'We Heart Boys' for more on that. Assuming I remember to blog on that after this. It would be in like twenty minutes or so and how on earth could I keep that sort of idea current in my mind for that long. If you would like a good idea of how my mind works read 'And You Will Know Our Velocity' by David Eggers. Not my favorite book, but he talks about the filing system in his head and how he can't find the right files at the right time. And how he has the entirely wrong files brought to him at the worst times ever. I can relate. Ever been sitting somewhere important and can't get something stupid and trivial out of your head? Like the soundtrack to Wicked when you are at the Temple? Or just about anything ridiculous when you are taking the sacrament? That would be me. I surreptitiously look around at everyone else and assume they are thinking amazing and life changing spiritual thoughts. Me? I'm trying to remember what day the Miss America Pageant will air on CMT. Then I snap back and feel guilty or stupid and try to focus on the topic at hand. (You know, like the Lord's atonement.) I find I have to read a hymn or scriptures on ADD days like this. Sometimes I am just fine. Lately I have been bringing treats to church. Chewy Sprees are the best. Quiet and a major blast of sugar to help tie you through the boring talks till the one good speaker. Sometimes they are all good, but in a singles ward that is often not the case. Anyone else tired of singles wards? I am. Anyhow. Enough about my failings in the Gospel. My last thought for the blog is my new favorite song. Jason Mraz, total guilty pleasure, but hey. I love him. Deal with it. The song is called 'Life is Wonderful', from his second album 'Mr.A-Z'. (Get it? Mraz?) Anyhow, it is the sweetest and most happy song out there right now and I love it and you will too. I-tunes. Now. You all are commanded. Trust me, it's much better to have stuck in your head during church than say '40 Feet' by Franz. Which is my favorite Franz song. Just not a perfect fit Sunday morning.

GIlbert told Anne to write about what she knows...

...So what do I know? Hotels. My job requires me to spend 2 to 4 nights a week in them. In fact I am in one right now. It has a PC(!), lovely antique-looking tables and a puffy, all-white bed that I can't wait to get into for my three and a half hours of z's. This hotel rules. Others, not so much.
Things that make a hotel awesome, in no particular order, are: Good soap-shampoo sets. The fancier the better. After five plus years of free amenities I still get some odd rush at a fancy mini lotion sitting on my bathroom counter waiting for me. Mini mouthwash? So cute! So un-neccesary! Cozy bed with clen sheets. Now I know clean sheets sounds like it should be a given, but you would be surprised. The stories I could tell, but won't. Good cable. I love the food network and hate to miss a night of Alton Brown. I like two to three channels of movies so I don't have to be stuck with the semi-porn that is always HBO. Seriously it is so stank! Wake-up calls. He-elpful! Good food nearby. I like the assortment of fast food and a few mid-range eateries like Flingers and Chachies. Mini-fridges (empty) and microwaves in the room. So handy. Birthday cake and diet coke. O.K. so I have actually never been in a room with these amenities, but a girl can dream right?
Now, things that suck or that I don't like: Germs. From dirty sheets and bathtubs to hair on the towels or crusty stuff, well, anywhere, It is all really really bad. I take a handi-wipe to all surfaces that I might touch. Controllers, phones and alarm clocks get special treatment. Um, this hotel room is nice, but I DO NOT NEED A PHONE NEXT TO THE TOILET! I barely use the one next to the bed. No way am I touching the one in there. Seriously. That's messed up. "Joey? Promise me you will never call me from that phone". Heat/air units. There is no middle of the road for these loud industrial sized horrors. You are either bone jarringly cold or menopausally hot-flashing through the night. Snooty Hotel Staff. Some are great. And some are miserable. Hotels fight very hard to win contracts from companies like mine. Yes we get a deal on the rates, but they get a guaranteed block of rooms paid for 365 days a year. We keep some hotels in business during their off season. And yet some hotel employees treat us like second rate citizens because we aren't paying for it with our own credit cards or we aren't paying "full price". Any other company that uses corporate rates gets treated like royalty. Not us, they are doing us a favor by letting us spend the night in their spare room. It's beyond annoying.
So. I had no idea that this was going to be so dull. Sorry to my two to three readers. I will try harder this month.